Not all older porn is great porn. Indeed take a look at this one (or maybe don't?), Fade Out from 1984 and starring Christopher Allen, Michael Christopher, and Jon King.

Let's cut to the chase: Fade Out is a weak porn film. It has the germ of an idea that, if handled with some care, could have made it clever. However, from the looks of things, this piece of shit was slapped together in an afternoon, edited with a chainsaw, and shipped out the next day. What's even more perturbing about this endeavor is that the sex scenes seem mechanical and lifeless, and, with the exception of one performer, the men involved appear to be half asleep.

The plot of Fade Out begins by featuring a rather husky, fey, male fortune teller swathed in a garish ensemble that looks like one of the tunics Bea Arthur used to wear on The Golden Girls. Coming to this low rent Nosferatu is blond pretty boy, Christopher Allen who does not say much – in fact he does not say anything – he just sits and stares dumbly as the sequined sage reads his tarot cards.

Apparently, the gimmick is that each card represents a sexual situation. For instance, the first card revealed is “The Hermit”, and when the card is turned up, we fade into a cheap set flooded with smoke and stage lighting until we see a guy wander out from behind an obviously fake tree. Admittedly, my hopes were raised when I saw that fabulous little guttersnipe of 80's gay porn, David Ashfield appear in a shredded t-shirt and a well worn pair of jeans. For those of you who don't know, Ashfield was the go-to-guy back in the 80's, appearing in dozens of titles, and apparently the stunt dick for at least several bigger names who, for whatever reasons, could not get it up when needed. Ashfield, may not have been the best looking, or the best built porn-star of that era, but usually he got it up and got the job done and always seemed to be enjoying himself. Sadly, in Fade Out, he does nothing more than lay back, stroke his cock and shoot his load, all the while looking like he's miles away. And then, when he has to deliver a cryptic line of dialogue, he mumbles it. What a waste of talent.

Once we've finished up, Allen finds himself back with the fortune teller who now draws “The Lovers” and faster than you can say, “abracadabra” we are back on that same poorly lit sound stage with Allen who discovers a plain bed with a white rabbit flopping around on it (no, really, it's one of those albino rabbits with pink eyes), and then through the magic of a really bad edit, the rabbit vanishes and is replaced by a couple who begin to sex each other up. Luckily, one of the these guys is another staple of 80s' porn, super bottom, Jon King. King was this dark haired little guy who always seemed to be on the receiving end of someone's cock back in the day, and he always seemed to relish the fact that he was being pummeled – and in Fade Out, he does not disappoint. As King's partner begins fucking him, the little bastard goes into overdrive growling, groaning and convulsing in spasms of pleasure that reach an incredible climax once he shoots his load. Seriously, King is a damn pleasure to watch as he is being pile-driven by his pal, and frankly, he's the only guy in this movie who might actually be enjoying himself (either that, or he was a damn good actor).

When that scene ends, guess what happens? Yup, back to Dorothy Zbornak, and more cards, and more lame sex scenes – rinse, lather, repeat. And so it goes.

Michael Christopher, that dull-eyed blond Adonis appears as The Magician in one scene, and yes, there was no doubt about it, he had one hell of a body; a huge cock, and nipples just made to be tweaked. Unfortunately, he had all of the charisma of a wet sponge. Remember that big dumb jock you lusted over in high school or college? Well Christopher is probably what a real indication of having sex with him might have been like: emotionless, and as dull as dishwater. Sorry, but a big dick and a hot body possessed by someone with no personality equals a boner killer. Suffice to say, Christopher's scene goes on for the longest amount of time – and it's pretty painful to watch as the blond automaton's only real power might be as a sleep aide.

There are several other sex scenes in Fade Out, and they are as listless as the others. Sometimes, a bad movie (even a porn movie) can be so awful that it's good – Fade Out is not one of these films, it is just plain dreadful on every level. And, if you manage to make it to the end of the film, you get to watch the fortune teller fuck Christopher Allen – and if that image does not cause you to go running for the remote control, you are surely made of strong stuff.

That Fade Out goes on for only about an hour, but feels much longer is a testament to it's power as a lousy movie. Avoid this one like the plague.

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